Look no further than Wirtz, a teeny town tucked away in Franklin County, 45 minutes from the relative hustle and bustle of Roanoke. There, down Burnt Chimney Road, retired carpenter Robert Booth has designed the world’s first "ass-kicking machine."

While investors haven’t exactly been knocking down his door to take the invention mainstream, the 86-year-old Booth does report a steady stream of curious visitors.

The machine is in his front yard where it began innocently enough as a gazebo about 10 years ago. A nearby spring and a gutter on the gazebo supply an underground tank. Booth added a 110-volt electric pump that moves the water into buckets, which drive a six-foot plywood waterwheel that looks like a miniature, old-fashioned gristmill.

An arm connected to the wheel has a couple of Booth’s old, green sneakers attached, and they represent the business end of the derrière-denter. Booth is happy to demonstrate the contraption on anyone interested in getting a rap on his or her rear.

"It was just something for me to do," he says of the peculiar project. "I can’t just sit in the house and watch TV. I’m always doing something."

And while he claims to charge a dollar per butt booted, he laughs when asked how much money he’s taken in the last 10 years. An attached sign details his prices — $1 for adults, children under 10 and pregnant women free. Yet despite the nature of his invention, it turns out Booth is an old softy and pretty much lets anyone take the boot in the bottom for free if they so desire.

"It’s all a joke," Booth laughs. "The machine, the sign, even me. I have a lot of fun with it, though."

A Web site (www.fred.net/turtle/asskicker/asskicker.html) features several pages on the ballyhooed bum-buster with detailed schematics and statistics on just how many heinies can be kicked in any allotted time. The site estimates that at maximum capacity, the machine could kick the fanny of every man, woman and child in the United States in 34 days, 17 hours and 40 minutes.

While Booth doesn’t know anything about the Web site, he has received word-of-mouth advertising all over Southwest Virginia and claims visitors from as far away as California.

Maybe they’re fascinated by the old-world craftsmanship or the simplicity of design and purpose. In a world filled with broken promises and diffused expectations, the rump-thumper harks back to a simpler time and even provides a guarantee to pain-seeking patrons.

"If not satisfied, I will take you behind the woodshed for satisfaction," Booth has written on the machine’s sign.

— Mike Ashley